I bet I do! I have schizoaffective disorder. This means that I act on whatever belief I currently hold, be it false or truth. So after I committed suicide, I thought God brought me back for a purpose, for a while I was pretty connected, as they say, to him. I believed that he told me things that were to come to be and I acted on them. See sentence two.
Do I believe I died, yup. Do I believe God saved me, yup. Do I believe I have a purpose, not really. I currently feel that he brought me back so he could put me through hell as punishment for killing myself. I knew that taking my life was wrong before I did it.
So where are you today? Angry. Just plain mad. Every thing I thought God told me that would happen did not, and each one went the exact opposite direction. Am I mad at God? No. I am mad at me. I tell people this, God provided what I needed to find my purpose. I mismanaged what he gave me trying to manipulate my belief into reality. Last night a very trusted friend told me that since college graduation I have been a professional victim. This is a very blunt truth. Every hurt and anger at the way these beliefs crumbled in front of me has lead to some very poor decisions of social media posts that affected those I did not want to affect in a very negative way.
This advice also came with a stark reality. I have to want to be better. Truth is folks, I accepted failure. This is not me. I do not accept failure. But as each failure of the beliefs came, I accepted it. I told myself my plan is not God’s plan. This is probably very true still, he is probably sitting here next to me wondering how I can be typing this. How am I? I hurt folks. I believed. Those beliefs were proved false at a great pain to me.
I am nothing but a ball of anger inside when I should be full of God’s love. How do I change this? Not sure yet. I still hold a few pretty crazy beliefs, like God can be mad at me. I also still believe that deep down I never wanted to come back. There has been some really fun times after I was brought back from the dead. But they hurt. Every time I see my buddy with his daughter then check my phone to see if my children still care.. it hurts. Every time I try to go to bed after coming back I had to accept today’s failures. These hurt. My buddy is trying to help, but I think the only help can come from releasing anger.
How do you release anger? When I was a kid I used to punch doors. That hurt. Dad made me pay to replace the doors and sand them and stain them and lacquer them. It hurt. I do not wish to hurt like that again. So deep down I am trying to release anger and ya know what, anger is a force that once inside causes problems. Last night, I got to tell a friend that I hold a believe that God will not let me take my own life… yet I still wish to die.
I wake up and try to problem solve this. How do I take care of my kids financially while taking away the pain? I haven’t solved this, but this leads down really dark roads. I care deeply for my children. The woman who divorced me, I still love and hate at the same time. I will never be truly free of this torment, divorce papers or not.
Pain folks, that is where I am. I struggle every day to support those who count on me at the cost of more pain to myself. When will it stop?
This same friend offered some great advice. I should only support me. I am divorced. I believe I signed away custody of the kids in their best interest. There mother is still an angel in my eyes as I see myself as the issue. So here we are, I deleted my Linkedin account last night not really out of anger but realization of what my buddy told me the past few months. My posts have been nothing but “Professional Victim.”
So yeah I hold a new belief every few minutes and hold them as 100 percent truth until the world slaps the shit out of me with the fact they are false.
I post things people do not like. I post my view of what the world did to me. How to fix this? Walk away.. yup that is what I did. They say you should pick your friends for what they offer you. I was hitting accept cause they listened to my negativity… not good.
I think with every belief proving false, I have put up a wall to hear God. I have not heard him in a while. I think the wall is called anger. I have some serious financial issues due to choosing to help people when I should have saved. Mismanagement I tell people when they ask what happened to me.
I learned one thing yesterday. One of my triggers of 100 percent pure evil anger is over the lack of money to support who I want to. Sad truth there. I had to write a painful email to a person I still admire asking them to take over financially on some of the support I have been providing. It hurt more then not eating. What hurt, the fact that I had to admit I failed to them.
I wonder how many times the words hurt and pain are in this post? Where is God’s love and message of Hope? Good question, but I will tell you this. I do not own weapons because I know what I will do with them in a time of 100 percent evil anger. There is God’s hope he provides me with the wisdom to overcome things that other men simply cannot. Without God’s hope last night might have been a pretty bloody sticky mess this am. Blunt raw truth. Yup, I was 100 percent suicidal last night. Now how do I go forward and why are exit signs red.